merry and bright

i'm really not a fan of christmas. growing up, every year was another let down, another year, another hype for it all to be over with so quickly. the money, food, the preparation was never worth it.
also members of my family have ruined it over the years, mainly my nan when she was here and my mum can be very up and down (i think that's where i get my bi-polar from), and that coupled with the fact i am single this christmas for the first time in years, i can honestly say i'm really not looking forward to it.

the only person to ever make me feel christmassy was my ex. he would jump out of bed on christmas day, make breakfast then rush back to bed to open presents. it was one of the most heart warming things to watch. he made me feel christmassy. christmas with him was always the best. we had beautiful fresh (and my first ever real) trees from his mum and dad who grew them. that smell of pine was the epitome of christmas, and the hundreds of scratches over my hands as i carefully placed decorations on it, was worth it. we never had a lot of money, but we always made sure we ate well and had lovely food over the holidays. he would spend the day with his family, me with mine, and we would meet up in the afternoon and head back to our home to spend an evening together, munching on roast gammon, an assortment of cheeses, crackers, chutneys, mince pies and anything else we could get our hands on. when i think of christmas, i think of him. and that is why this year is going to be so hard for me. i never envisioned on spending christmas alone. this year would have marked 9 months in our new home, hopefully work on the bedroom complete, and we would have settled in.
instead, i am crammed with four other people, cat and a dog in a two bedroom cottage.

and in spite of all this, i have made an extra effort to make my room into a christmas grotto. not only is it an excuse to pick up a few cheap bits to accessorise, hopefully it will help me into feeling a bit more christmassy. here's a few snaps of things around my room i've put up and decorated with.
i can not believe it's december already.

hello.

Collage by Diego Max

hello. by now you will know my name from looking at my blog.

i'm a dysfunctional 27 year old, currently being assessed to see if i'm bi-polar.
i had a breakdown three months ago, after a very sudden and harsh break up from a long term relationship, and who i thought was the love of my life. i didn't see it coming, and i willingly walked away, a little too easily and moved back in with my parents after living with him for four years.
the thing that i still find difficult to get my head around, is that for four years, my life had been with him, and it is that adjustment of being alone is scary and horrible. you have no idea what to do with your life, all your plans you made have been destroyed, and now i find myself trying to piece back my life and trying to work out just what to do, in order to achieve that.

i worked through the break up, and i had a week off (pre-planned holiday) at work, four weeks after the split. i think the time spent away from work, the reality finally sunk in. when you go to work four/five days a week it's hard, but it distracts you, and then when you finish, you can slump your shoulders and you cry all evening. after working through for three months, i couldn't take it anymore, and was spurred by my friends and family to go and see a doctor. i had cracked. i had a meltdown.

after discussing what i had been going through, the doctor seemed to think i had bi-polar so referred me to a mental health specialist. did i think i had bi-polar? fuck no. i thought it was the break up that was doing this to me. i have always suffered from depression and every now and again, me and my ex would go through short spells of it, but we always supported each other and came through it, so i didn't think i had anything seriously wrong with me, other than a broken heart.

a few weeks later i had an appointment to be assessed, and for an hour, i got asked numerous questions by a really sweet, kind and sympathetic women. one question made me cry, and then i couldn't stop. i think it was the fact i was saying everything i felt out loud, i could hear it, and it was real. she seemed to think i had/have bi-polar two, apparently there are three types of bi-polar, and i pretty much fitted the bill for number two.
the irrational thoughts, making ridiculous and unreleastic plans, spending too much money, doing things that are out of character, the irritation towards people who couldn't understand me, lack of sleep but increased energy, starting things and never finishing them and the extreme highs and lows were all characteristics.

after my assessment i was told she was not qualified to diagnose me but she thought i was bi-polar and said i would have to have a follow up appointment with a psychologist, so i could be given the right set of anti-depressants and mood stabilisers, and start up cognitive behaviour therapy.
unfortunately i missed the appointment, i had flu and couldn't move for a number of days, and so my appointment got postponed by another 4 weeks. my new appointment is now on the 15th of december, and even then, i don't know if they are going to diagnose me, or if it's a follow up.

so three months down the line, how am i coping? well the easy way to answer that is i'm not.
all i look for are distractions so for a moment, i forgot how much i hate my life and what i have become and can put a smile on my face. the thing is no one can help. there are only two people (i'll call them e and c) that made me feel human again, and without them i don't think i would be as i am now.
what people don't tell you about bi-polar is that the highs and the lows are so extreme. when you are at your lowest, you think dark horrible thoughts and you feel like you are never going to get better, never going to cope and never going to move on.
the most recent high i had was passing my driving test, after nearly a year and a half of ups and downs with two instructors, i am now the proud owner of a little pink card, that sits pride of place in my purse. i can not tell you how proud i was to accomplish that, to work that hard, and by some miracle - pass. it's an incredible feeling, especially as none of my family drive and we have relied on public transport all our lives. i did feel that they weren't as happy as i was, and i was half expecting them to buy me a cheap first car as a confidence boost but i got nothing. no cards or gifts, which makes me sound incredibly bitchy and rude but they knew how much it meant to me, and i expected a little more. my sister got me a bunch of roses which brings a lovely and welcome pop of colour to this room.

at the moment, my coping methods are watching tv series and cross stitching. i recently watched orange is the new black, and i am half way through season three of girls, which i would recommend if anyone hasn't seen it before, although season two is quite depressing. it's about four girls, who are best friends (a little sex and the city isn't it?!) and their lives and love lives unravel. it's realistic and gritty, and i think a lot of people can relate to the characters.

and if you haven't tried it, cross stitching can be incredibly worth while and rewarding, not to mention therapeutic.